


To Be a Legend

by 0zey



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Genetic Engineering, Longing, Lots of Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-23
Updated: 2013-07-23
Packaged: 2017-12-21 03:58:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/895525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0zey/pseuds/0zey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard's feeling on his mothers exceptions and Kaidan's feeling on Shepard's death and return.<br/>Basically a lote of angst.</p><p>Edit: I cleaned up the first half and posted it on my new tumbler!: http://0zey.tumblr.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Be a Legend

**Author's Note:**

> So... I started this when I read the wiki on Shepard that said he was named after the guy who headed the apollo 14 mission to the moon, I thought what if Commander Shepard was not only was not only named after him but also his guys grate grate grate (whatever) grandson? Then some how it turned into a Kaidan angst fest. Sorry. 
> 
> all mistakes are mine.
> 
> Feedback is loved :)

Alan Bartlett Shepard the fifth stood in the CIC of the Normandy... His Normandy.  
Becoming the first Human specter was two big to really grasp, but being in command of his own cutting edge war ship at only 29? That was something he could grasp. And it was huge. All his life he had been trying to live up to his family legacy and now maybe he had. 

When Hannah Shepard had decided she wanted a child she also decided that she wanted to give that child the best chances to axel. And axel he would, he was going to be the perfect soldier Nay! The perfect admiral. She made sure he had every advantages he could get, gen mods, education planed out and payed for before he was even at 5 mouths gustation, all the best money could buy and all the best money couldn’t buy. 

When Alan Shepard was five years old it became obvious that some of his gen mods weren't taking. His hair and eyes witch where supposed to be bright blond and clear blue had doled to dirty blond and greenish gray. Hannah took him to every gen therapist she could find to double check that nun of his other mods where failing and to see if the ones for his eyes and hair could be fixit. If he wasn’t striking at first glance how would he make an outstanding first impression? But they all said the same thing. By the time he was 16 he would be a brunet and his eyes would be the same not quite green gray or blue they where then, and his enhanced strength, intelligence and reflexes would be good but not as good as expected.

Over the years no mater how much Hanna pushed him to greatness Alan seemed to be determined to be good, but not grate. All in all he was simple. Not stupid or slow by any means just simple. He liked simple things and enjoyed doing simple things. He joined the alliance at 18 not because he was particular inclined but because Hanna said it was what he should do. He made 1st Lieutenant by the time he was 22 and was enjoying some quite shore leave on Elysium when the blitz hit. Through a combination of training, quick thinking and pure luck he held the line till backup arrived. He received the stare of tarrier and was invited to join the N7 program. He was honored and humbled by the hole thing but once again he accepted not because he thought he would be any good at it or felt a calling to do so, but because his mother said it was what he should do. And if nothing else he wanted to make her proud.  
Over the next seven years he steadily climbed the ranks till he was know as Commander Alan Bartlett Shepard the fifth. when he was assigned to the normandy his mother said he wold have made his ancestors proud. Right down to Alan Bartlett Shepard jr. leader of the Apollo 14 mission. She said she was proud too, but deep down she was still a little disappointed.

 

When Kaidan Alenko herd he was to be working with Commander Shepard he was in awe. The savior of Elysium, XO of a state of the art war ship, a quick thinker with a silver tung. But when he met the man he was taken by surprise. While not in the thick of things Alan Shepard was more shy and reserved then Kaidan thought he would be judging by the vid clips from interviews and the like. It was like day and night. Where Commander Shepard could charm a Volus out of his underwear, Alan stammered and blushed fiddling with what ever he held glancing up threw his lashes. He was also short, only about five seven too Kaidan’s six feet.  
But despite the shock Kaidan found he liked this Shepard. they would talk about a lot of things but mostly the missions and Kaidan’s history. Kaidan found himself opening up more to Alan then he had to anyone in years. 

After Virmire Alan came to make sure Kaidan was alright and somehow they ended up in Alan’s courtiers swopping stories and morning Ashley late into the night till they fell asleep at the table. 

Before Ilos they once again found them selves at the table a bottle of whisky between them. But this time they didn’t talk, they just took comfort in the fact that they weren't alone with there worries.

Late in to the night Alan starts talking. He had never told anyone about all his gen modes or how much his mother had wanted him to be a hero beyond compare. How it had hung over his head every day of his life so that when he did talk to people he was ether Commander Alan Bartlett Shepard the fifth, latest in a long line of heroes or he didn’t know who he was. How Kaidan had made him want to be _just Alan_ , to be something other then another faceless ancestor down the line to make some other kid feel small.  
However Kaidan had fallen asleep with his head on the table sometime ago and didn’t hear a word of it. 

When the Normandy was destroyed Kaidan felt like some part of him had been torn loose. Unable to morn the way he wanted (with a lot of whisky) for the sake of his duty, he soldiered on. But not a day went by without a thought for his lost friend.

It wasn’t till the marmoreal however did he realize that while Shepard did talk to the other crew he only did so as Commander Shepard, even his own mother didn’t know the quite blushing stammering Alan Kaidan did. The thought made him go over ever moment they had shared with new eyes. Had Shepard been like that all the time around him? Did Shepard think of him as more then a friend? Did he return those feelings? At the time no. But now... Now? Now hurt to much to think about. If he could go back and change things he would. But Shepard was dead. Wether that be the sweet shy Shepard he knew or the solider everyone else knew it didn’t matter. 

On Horizon Kaidan’s world was turned upside down. Standing before him was Commander Shepard alive. But he didn’t blush he didn’t stammer, he was sure in his movements strong in his conviction. Alan was gone. not a fluter of his lashes or twitch of his lips showed that it was Alan any where in there. And Kaidan didn’t know if it was just because they where in a crowed or if it was because Alan was gone. he silently begged for a sign. But none came.  
Just as all the hope that had flared when he saw this impostor transformed to rage and he turned to walk away, Shepard did something so undeniably Alan that Kaidan couldn’t believe his eyes. 

Shepard tripped.

He had turned to tell his team mates to move out when his foot got cot on a tuft of grass and he stumbled. it had been small, not enough to be noticed unless you where looking for it but after catching himself Shepard blushed and glared at the tuft of grass. 

That split secant replayed over and over in Kaidan’s mind so when the message arrived some weeks later he pounced on it rather then deleting it.  
He hid in his bunk and hit play.

The screen flickers to life and there sat Alan blushing, glancing at the camera before look down to stare at the desk. it was dated two weeks prior to there last encounter.

“Kaidan...” the message started, Shepard’s voice is quite. the name a question, a plea, and a greeting in one. “I...I want to talk to you...” He stops, twisting his hands. Kaidan searches his face, the scaring he had noticed on Horizon in more pronounced a light red glow noticeable around the edges, there are dark shadows under his eyes and he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. “I tried to find you... but Anderson... Anderson won’t tell me where you are... I want to let you know I’m... I’m alive.... or as close as they can get me....” here he chuckles and it sounds more like chocking. “I don’t... don’t know what happened... I’m so confused... I know... I know what I have to do.... the collectors are taking hole colonies for gods sake... But.... I can’t find anyone...I mean I have a team now but... it’s just not the same. No Tali, no Wrex, no Garrus... No you.” The last is barely above a whisper. And he stops for a bit just staring a nothing. then he sighs and continues haltingly. “I-I don’t know what they did to me. I know I was mostly... well, dead when they found me, I know it tuck two years to put me... Back to gather.... I can Feel the implants under my skin and I remember.... R-remember...” he trails off in to silents staring off to the left of the camera. And all Kaidan wants to do is hug him. When they served together Kaidan had never hugged Shepard or vice versa, but the emotions that had only come to the surface after the attack had had two years to take root and turn into some thing deep, dark and maybe a little unhealthy. 

Alan shacks himself. “I don’t have anyplace to send his so I don’t know why I’m recording it. but... maybe it’ll help.... I don’t know.... I miss you.” with that he reaches up and switches off the recording. There is a bit of static then another face appears, this time it’s a young asian woman half her face hidden by a hood. “I don’t know what you said on Horizon. Honestly I don’t care. But I thought you should see at lest one of the messages he made to send to you. This one was the shortest. I want you to think about it. I want you to think about how he looks. Then I want you to double the amount of grief and confusion on his face. That is what he looked like when he came back from Horizon.” the woman’s anger is plain in her voice. Accusing. As if Kaidan had been offered a once in a life time opportunity and had spat in it’s face. Her voices softens as she continues though. “We’re on a one way trip so if you ever cared for him, say something.” the screen turns off. and the woman is gone leaving Kaidan bewildered and a little hurt.

It has to be a trick Kaidan knows that. Then he remembers the way Alan’s voice shuck when he said he remembers. Remembers what exactly no one but Shephard knows. Kaidan’s heart takes over and he’s writing. But before he can think to hard about what he just wrought he deletes it. 

 

It isn’t till the next morning that he hears about a sleek little Cerberus ship going threw the omega 4 rely. 

One month after the message was delivered news reached Kaidan that Shepard has turned himself over to the alliance to face charges.  
Charges for a crime so appalling that there is no doubt in Kaidan’s mind that Alan is dead. Because there is no way in all the universe that Alan would blowup a mass rely and kill so many in the process. He hates himself for maybe believing that this pretender ever could have been his friend.  
He wants to charge the little apartment where they are keeping the fake and reveal him to be what he is. But then he sees the file on his omni that contained the message from Shepard, remembers the way Shephard spoke, so lost, so Alan that it hurt. And Kaidan is thrown back into doubt. If it wasn’t Alan then how did he know or want to impersonate that side of Shepard? As fare as Kaidan knew he was the only person to have met it. He argus the point with himself, weighed the evidence, convinced himself one way then the other over and over for six hole month and still is unsure what to think. He wants his friend back, wants the opportunity to see if there was something more there, wants to know that no matter how screwed up the universe feels that Shepard will be there to help put it right. But he doesn’t want to think that Shepard would become what this man is. A traitor and a murderer. 

In the end he decides that ether Alan is dead, has been for three years and an impostor has taken his place. Or he is alive and has become so lost in the cause that it would be impossible to tell him from a fake. Kaidan has to move on one way or the other. 

That is of course when the universe is thrown into chaos. 

Kaidan doesn’t think he just runs to the safest place he can think of. The Normandy. When Shepard leaps on bored and orders them to Mars Kaidan has time to think again. He once again watches Shepard. He doesn’t know if he wants to see Alan there now but he’s not sure what to do if he doesn’t. Once again he sees nothing of his friend in those cold gray eyes, no sign is given that behind that steely mask is a quiet man who liked peanut butter sandwiches and old sci-fi movies. 

By the time they land Kaidan is ready to scream in frustration. 

He wants this roller coster of emotion to stop. To know once and for all if his friend is still there or dead a long time ago. He knows his frustration leeks into his voice and attitude as he questions the situation on mars and isn’t surprised when it is taken personally. Whether it was meant that way to begin with is academic. It is now. 

Then Shepard says it.

“I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you Kaidan.” 

Rage over whelms Kaidan for a half secant. How could he say that? Not have to explain? not explain why he wasn’t Alan anymore, Not explain why he had done what he had done, not just with Cerberus, But after. A hole system was gone over 30,000 people dead. And Shephard didn’t have to explain himself?! Then as quickly as it had reared it’s head the rage was gone. Kaidan wasn’t looking at Shephard anymore, he was looking into the pleading eyes of Alan. 

“But I will. Later. I know I’ve done things that are unforgivable. and I want nothing more then to tell you why I did them Kaidan. But right now is not the time.”

He was right of course. The middle of a Reaper invasion was not the place to have a heart to heart. But that doesn’t stop Kaidan from dwelling on what he had just seen. Alan. Not Commander Shepard but Alan. Alan Pleading with him silently to understand, if not to forgive. he was still trying to wrap his head around this latest appearance of his friend when the android grabs him. 

_The world was a haze of pain, someone was screaming his name. Was that Shepard? can’t be Shepard... Shepard would never scream like that._

When Kaidan wakes up in the hospital he feels terrible. And Shepard is nowhere to be found.  
Again alone with his thoughts Kaidan argues with himself. he tries to smother the hope that has wormed it’s way in to his heart. 

Alan is dead. 

Alan is alive. 

Shepard is a monster. 

Shepard is just a solider who did what he had to to stop a on coming enemy. 

Shepard comes to visit Kaidan about a week after he is admitted and Kaidan is so wrapped up in his thoughts about the man before him that he almost miss it when the mask breaks and for a few moments it’s Alan he’s talking to. It’s like the crash never happened, that Horizon was just a bad dream and Mars was a figment of a over used brain. 

Before he can stop himself he’s flirting with the man, and to his grate surprise Shepard is flirting back even laughing. 

They message back and forth over the next few weeks as Kaidan recovers and Shepard brokers peace between the Krogans and Salarians.  
Once or twice Shephard drops by the hospital but never has time to stay. In those stolen moments though Kaidan sees Alan more then Shepard. He starts to believe that it might just might be true. Alan Bartlett Shepard the fifth survived death and now is doing all he can to save everyone else. 

But it’s not till the coup attempt that he knows that it’s his friend and not an impostor. On the platform between Shepard and the council he takes his heart and the lives of the most powerful people in the universe in his hands and steps to the side. 

He doesn’t even hesitate when Udina threatens the other council members he just takes the shot. He knows Shepard would have taken it if he didn’t, But he also knows that he couldn’t let Alan have that hanging above his head. Latter in the docking bay Kaidan asks to rejoin the crew of the Normandy. 

 

It’s very late one night cycle servile weeks latter when Kaidan finally confronts Shepard about his split personality. He brings it up on ascendant while joking about different ways they could get the Reapers to surrender. 

“Well you could always just give them those big puppy eyes you always use on me.” 

Alan blushes. “What puppy eyes? I never use puppy eyes!” He argues his eyes going wide an innocent.

“Those ones! How come you never use them on anybody else? There damn effective!” Kaidan laughs. 

Alan looks at his hands an awkward smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. “... I’m never this relaxed around anybody else...” he says quietly.

Suddenly Kaidan doesn’t feel like laughing anymore. 

“Shepard... I want to ask you something...”

Alan looks up surprised by Kaidan’s abrupt change in attitude.

“Anything.” He replies.

“Do you.... Why did...” Kaidan’s not sure what he’s trying to ask. he wants to know if Shepard is acting the way he is because he feels something more then friendship, but that’s not something you just blurt out.

“I got one of the messages you didn’t send me.” He finally says. 

Alan looks understandably confused. He makes a noise that could be ‘How’ or ‘Who’ or even ‘Witch’. 

“I don’t know who the woman who sent it to me was. But I’m thankful to her... Shepard I.. I had a really hard time coming to grips with your death... Then you’re alive and.... And I had an even harder time excepting that. That message helped...” Kaidan takes a deep breath. Shepard hasn’t moved a muscle scents he started talking. Well he’s said that much might as well get it all out in the open.

“I don’t know if you notice or not but when it’s just the two of use you act like a completely different person... Back on the SR1 I thought it was just how you acted when you where talking to a comrade or friend... But on Horizon you where just the Commander... And I didn’t think it was you... I didn’t think it could be my friend, I couldn’t believe you would leave me and then just waltz back and act like nothing had happened like two years of missing you just hadn’t existed.” Kaidan knows he sound whiney but he can’t stop talking now. Everything he’s been holding back, everything that has been eating away at him for the past three years is spilling forth in a rush. “I wanted it to be you. But then you blew up that rely I didn’t want to think it was you anymore. I understand why you did it now, but then I didn’t know. I kept looking for signs that you where who I remembered though, I tried to find the man I fallowed in to hell, the man who listened to everything I said and didn’t judge, the man who stammered when he tried to think, the man who argued the finer points of Star Trek, the man I l-” he cut himself off. “God! I’m still having a hard time not thinking of you in the past tints... I want it to be you Alan...” He trails off.

It goes deathly quiet in the room. he can’t look at Shepard now. Not after all that. He wishes he could just retracted it all and go back to ignoring it. 

“look, I’ll just-” Soft hot lips interrupt him mid sentence.

“I can’t tell you you for sure if I’m the original or not Kaidan...” Shepard murmur when he finally pulls back. “But I can tell you I love you.”

Kaidan doesn’t care anymore if Shepard is the Alan he remembers or a fake that took his place. Because right now he knows he loves this man and knows that those feeling are returned.


End file.
